So, came to the realization tonight I've been drifting from doing things in relation to karma, one of my primary values systems as an individual.
We've got so much going on with the music group that it hass started to consume my every waking moment, its all I talk about, work with, write about, and I have so much to connect, remember and coordinate that I've begun to compromise my values in order to make things move smoother.
We've had two major conflicts within my close circle of business partners/friends in the last two weeks, one each week. Each one is extremely emotionally draining, shifts focus away from real work, and I would much rather do anything than deal with them, which is not a good scenario. Is this what happens when things get busy, and success begins to come slowly forward? I feel like people aren't stepping up, just maintaining, and new events are shedding light on the continual lack of progress people Im involved with have been making over the last 6 months. Stagnation is the biggest problem with living in Arizona, its easy to get by, and everyone is working to get out or make it better, but things mostly just stay the same.
I've been working really hard with my music group, using every connection I have, every networking skill, ever free minute to push it forward, in the name of doing something I love do and fulfilling one of my main goals as an individual: to help change the world and create music, together. It's kinda making a trainwreck of my former life, for good or ill, I neglect responsibilities, barely make ends meet, many of my personal relationships have completely diminished etc. On the other hand, all the same things were happening on a slightly lesser scale when I was putting the same energy into the business, it just wasn't getting anywhere, where as I see results with Silver Medallion.
Im in a business in AZ with three wealthy individuals. Not sure how it happened, but it puts a serious strain on my value of these people. I think without the necessity to pay bills off of our work, and that cushion of just having money, car, rent etc. already there, the drive to make things happen, and really happen, just isn't there. I'm blessed to have a support network that helps me get by, but im beginning to become jaded and start to balance whether people can be involved in a project because I might be able to just do it all myself and keep the rewards. I wanted to involve people so they could learn and potentially handle things themselves, but I just don't see the DESIRE or the NEED in their eyes, just interest, and interest just doesn't cut it at this point. I want things to be more equal, want people that can hold their own ground, I would die for knowledgeable entertainment industry connects to just run ideas by and have listen to songs and provide advice, because honestly we're just going by what we think is right based on the amount of data we've learned, and that judgement is by no means accurate.
I've been trying to write a sort of thesis/bible on what we as a band know and what we're trying to do, and I literally get a perspective shift everyday and have to go back in and change all sorts of things. Every day. It's just unfinishable, and I'm not someone who takes well to not being able to win, or finish when I want to. If we drop the reins now though in the midst of the beginning of our one shot (and you only get one shot) then its a wrap and onto the dayjob I've been so desperatly avoiding. Ironically I'd have more free time and money if I just had a job... Blows my mind. What would I do though really, html code? Work on a team in a corporate marketing department? Be a junior designer? After all this that would be like having to go back to high school!
Anyway, don't know what my purpose is in writing this, I guess this blog is now a cathartic release for me. I'd like turn this into some type of blog about the experience of coming up in the music industry, but at the end of the day I just don't want to write anymore about it, I wanna think about hawaii or what it would be like to see other countries or sentient life on other planets or anything but what I spend my days on.
Haha, and now I abandon the blog to write more songs...
